I’ve been thirty for five days now. I thought it would hit rather hard, but it hasn’t, strangely. I also thought I would get this blog post up before this, but it turned out our little week of a vacation was surrounded by giant forests and dairy farms with no internet. Anywhere. So here we all are, five days later.
But I want to mention the big thirtieth birthday anyway, because everyone always makes it into such a big deal. And I want to juxtapose my twenty-ninth year, where I discussed how I didn’t have anything together. I still don’t have anything together, but this year I thought I would write down all the things I do know, so I can feel exceptionally wise.
- The world opens back up again.
I think I went through my real crises at twenty-five, when I realized I was still dealing with lingering animosity toward my brain because it took me until I was twenty-five to face the facts. It was done, it had been decided by that point, and I would not be an astronaut. It was never really practical for someone who didn’t even take most high school math until college, but for some reason when I hit twenty-five it all seemed terribly real. I felt the world closing in on me. How could I have reached a point in my life when there were options that were no longer viable for me?!
But I’ve felt the opposite at thirty. Then, I was still focused on the things I would never do. At thirty I am just beginning to learn what I am good at. - It is possible to live without a dryer. I never would have thought this ten years ago. Even if it’s raining, even if it’s snowing, you can do clothes over chairs with a fan. It’s depressingly and refreshingly primitive at the same time.
- About 75% of long term relationship problems, whether it be your best friend, your spouse, or your neighbor, can be solved by you realizing what the other gets annoyed at, and warning them before you do it. (Notice: I’m not even saying you have to change!! (You do, of course, but I’m keeping it easy.)) I’m also not talking about destructive things, and I am assuming you both are reasonable people (though I don’t really know your neighbor.) But a good deal of stress went out of our marriage when the I realized that I think my great ideas are strokes of genius, and must be done immediately and enthusiastically, but Joe thinks they’re overwhelming and unnecessary and should never be done at all. So now I just warn him when I’ve a GREAT one (they’re all great really) so he can take a deep breath, remind himself that he loves me, and then rearrange the furniture and all the beds in our one bedroom Airbnb for what I think will be better sleeping accommodations.
- Almost the entire rest of relationship problems (I’ll save out about 5% for fighting about the toothpaste lid, passive aggressively waiting to see how long it’ll take the other to do the dishes, and back seat driving) can be solved by this: if the other person does something that is extraordinarily terrible and makes you want to slap them, wait until they’ve done it three times before you say or do anything. Because we remember this so well with ourselves but not with others: sometimes people have horrible days and their worst self comes out. And it may be their true self, but it also may be just a tiny portion of their true self that they try to keep under wraps. And if that’s the case, it probably won’t happen again, and you’ve saved yourself a whole day or week or month fighting and delving into something that won’t ever actually become a real issue. And bonus, by the time it’s happened the third time you’ll know exactly why it bothers you and what they can do to change it because you’ve been thinking about nothing else for days.
- Everything passes. Every phase passes. It’s easier to see this at thirty then it was at twenty, because at twenty, two years was a tenth of my life but at thirty it’s……less than that (math, remember, no astronaut remember) and it is possible to say, “This may last a year, and that is still not a significant portion of my life.” And it’s easier to remember life goes on, has gone on, will always go on. And it’s easier to remember that the best thing to count on in life is change.
- Drinking more water solves almost all the problems. Hunger, stress, exhaustion, filling that awkward time at gatherings when you should be talking to people but are instead hovering by the food or in the corner trying to look like you are interested in things.
- Doing something is almost always, 100% better than doing nothing. Even if you have to stop doing one thing, doing something else is always better than just focusing on trying not to do the thing. We get sucked into this all or nothing, all the way or no way, perfect or it’s not worth it. And it’s.not.true.
It’s not. If the goal is to run a marathon, taking a walk is better than sitting on the couch. If the goal is to keep the house clean, rinsing a few dishes is better than doing nothing. If you want to be a professional safari photographer, taking pictures of the giraffe at the zoo is better than doing nothing.
We look down on little things far too much, because here’s the deal about little things: they’re little. And we focus on the fact they’re little and forget the best part: they’re easy to do. And so, if we do them, then we might feel like maybe, just for a second, we could do just a little more. And then that gets easy. So we do just a little more. Sudden big plans almost always lead to burn out, and nothing at the end. So do a little.
And that’s all the wisdom I have on keeping the house clean, finding a career, and keeping your relationships strong.
Barbara Mascareno-Shaw says
You have very clear goals and it looks like you’re having so much fun 🙂
dananicoleboyer@gmail.com says
We are having so much fun. 😀 😀 Even when we get it wrong.
Ellie Bartone says
I love this!
dananicoleboyer@gmail.com says
Thank you!